"Forget Me Not" - 2019

I do not claim to be an exceptional writer, but writing my thoughts and feelings out have proved to be therapeutic for me, so I will just write what is on my heart in hopes of helping someone else who may feel like they are alone in their situation. My name is Shanira and many of you know me from the Bravo tv show Thicker Than Water : The Tankards. I was married for seven years and the last two years me and my now ex-husband were separated. Between the time we separated up until the finalization of our divorce has been nothing like anything I have ever experienced in my life. Year 2019 has been by far the hardest year of my life. The beginning of 2019 I was in a very dark place and looking back I realize I was really depressed and filled with anxiety. I knew my marriage was over for sure and for me there were no thoughts or hopes of reconciliation, I was too far gone. All I wanted to do was move into my own space with my children so I could be at peace and not snap at a moments notice. This at first proved to be difficult being that I was a SAHM with no money saved and no family of my own in TN. I quickly found a job and gave myself two months to be out and in my own place. I moved out into my own apartment January 14th with nothing but my kids, our clothes, a toddler bed mattress for my 2 year old, a pack n play for my 1 year old, and a few other items. I literally had to start all over again by myself and at times I didn't think I was going to be able to do it. The only thing I knew I had for sure, was control over what went on in my own home and that brought me comfort. The first 2 weeks I slept on the floor in my room, I didn't care too much as long as my kids had what they needed, but then my body started to really hurt and I went and got an air mattress that I slept on for a few months. Slowly but surely, paycheck by paycheck I began furnishing my apartment and it felt good to know that I was doing ok. I was still very much in the thick of my divorce proceedings and it was very difficult adjusting to life on my own with two small children while juggling court, co-parenting, work, being a mom, and my own sanity. Not to mention I felt extremely alone and isolated. I'm an introvert by nature and this whole ordeal just made me retreat deep into myself on top of not having any family here in TN (I am originally from CT) I was just lonely. I didn't want to really date but I did have someone that I talked to over the phone for a couple of weeks until he proved to be crazy lol! Listen, I do not judge people for dating while they are separated, a lot of people are separated for years and life goes on. There is nothing anyone can say to me that will make me feel guilty. I had been separated for two years and in my eyes I had been way too considerate. But even though I felt this way I just couldn't really bring myself to seriously date. I felt I was not ready to date or that maybe I would be seen as damaged goods coming from divorce with two kids. There was a man from out of state I would talk to occasionally and over time we developed a friendship, talking to each other very often. Long story short, we finally met in person and it escalated from there. We both had peculiar sets of circumstances but made it work for the time being. I developed feelings for him which made finalizing my divorce an even more pressing issue than it already was. That is all I'm going to say about that situation, for now! I learned so much about myself this year, I found out many of my strengths as well as my weaknesses.The vision I have of my highest self as well as the vision for my children has become more clear and for that alone I am grateful. The way that I think, the way that I've been going about things, the thought processes and protocols that govern my way of life, are changing so drastically and rapidly that I feel like I'm falling apart and being put together at the same time. I know I am shifting, but it has not been an easy process. So I wrote all this to say, I am truly thankful for the growth I have experienced this year and I don't know how I made it but in all honesty I wish that I could just forget the year 2019 in its entirety. It was a cruel year for my mental, emotional, and physical well being. But year 2019 will never let me forget it because when I become the woman I am destined to be I will look back on this year and see why I had to go through what I went through to develop me for what I've been tasked to do on this earth. So to all the ladies who feel unheard, unloved, isolated, lonely, and don't really know if they will make it out of that darkness, just remember this too shall pass and will only serve as a gauge to mark how far you have yet to go. So do not become discouraged, bitter, or hardend. Instead remain soft, teachable, open, but wiser. This year was hard but there are better years ahead! Believe it, achieve it.